How can I love you, if you wont lie down?

Boy oh boy, having a real job really makes life dull.  Although my job is probably the only one that exists in the nine to five world that I could ever imagine going to bed at midnight for.  Everythings felt very scattered and fast for the past month, and I’m just now starting to feel like myself again.  Well not the old self that could stay up drinking until 5am, and get on the post punk kitchen to post drunk naked pictures of myself, but familiar none the less.  We haven’t really made anything that amazing, but Sarah made these incredible cupcakes.  This was her first successful vegan baking, and it turned a lot of heads at the party.

Here’s our three legged dog tofu,  playing xbox while were cooking.

This is a dinner we made one night that was simple but good.  Fake bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, smoked tofu (not the dog), and veganaise.

This is a lil thing i threw together that involves filo, vegan cream cheese, a basil leaf (next time ill use a spinach leaf), smoked tofu, and sriracha.

and last, we had a bunch of people over the other night and made a ton of vegan sliders.  The recipe for the burger is from Vegan dad.  Everyone ate the shit out of these.

Stay tuned, I’ve got some contests coming up where you guys can win things!  I plan on starting a weekly thing starting in march, where I will be giving away very cool stuff for free!

Smokey Chili *Day 3*

It’s day three, and being really broke never tasted so good.  It’s snowing outside, 18 degrees, and my girlfriend had “roomie” night tonight.  Which basically means I have to go away for a few hours to hang out with my male friends, and let them get wasted on wine.  Tonight was chili night, so it worked out well for everyone.  I’ve made 26 chili’s in the past year, and they’ve all just been O.K.  Nothing really grabbed me.  In fact I came in last place at a chili cook off for a friend of mine’s birthday.  This chili, is in fact, the one.  My dad always had a delicious chili growing up, and I’m now proud to say I have my own chili.  All of my previous recipes have come from recipes, so I decided to go rogue with this one, and just do my thing.  It’s a little smokey, delicious, and of course cheap.

Total cost about $11

• 2 can black or pinto beans, drained
• 2 can kidney beans, drained
• 2 can diced tomatoes
• 1 onion, diced
• 6 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 green peppers
• 1 small can of tomato paste
• 4 tbls of nutritional yeast
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• 1 cup tbsp vegetable broth
• 1/2 cup of hickory allegro (my favorite marinade, basically soy and liquid smoke + some other shit)
• 4 tbsp chili powder
• 2 tbls oregano
• 4 tbls curry
• 1 tbls turmeric
• 4 tbls curry
• 2 tbls smoked paprika
• 1 tbls salt
• 2 tbls ancho chili powder
• 2 tbls mexican chili powder
• 1 tbls red pepper flakes (optional)
• 2 cups of hydrated  TVP
• 2 cups of water
• 1 glass with 2 dudes wrestling on it

Cook the onions, green peppers and garlic first in the olive oil until transparent.  Slowly add the beans.  Let it simmer for a few minutes, and add all of the spices.  Go ahead and pull out your glass with two dudes wrestling on it, and serve hot.

Louisville Vegan Reubens & Sublime

Reubens have always been something that you either love or hate. For example. The people that live in the building underneath my girlfriends house can eat all of the dicks. I was reading an article on cracked.com that my friend Matt pointed out to me, and it made a lot of sense. There are certain people that can eat a ton of dicks. I agree that there are in fact people that you come across in your life, that can eat All of the dicks. For one second let me tell you about these people. They’re about 22 or so, and I totally get it. I’m 26, and 22 was not long ago. Parties are fun, and i still get down very hard. I like beer. I like loud music. There is a big difference between drinking some beer, and listening to some music, and drinking some beer at 22, and listening to some music at 22. First the beer is just drank to get to get as annoying as possible. The music they’re listening to is, as annoying as possible. It’s not like they’re listening to listenable music. They’re listening to sounds that are just bass. Tons of bass, with nothing else. It’s probably a friend of theirs that makes music on cakewalk and closes their eyes, nodding their heads. These people can eat All of the dicks.  I want to record the sounds coming from the ground below, its really incredible. Like right now they’re playing sublime. As if I didn’t hate sublime enough, these fucking shit heads downstairs have to be listening to this shit. So while I’m upstairs trying to do my thing, they’re down there screaming and singing along to the most overplayed band EVER. Don’t tell me you like sublime, cause I know, and I don’t fucking care.

The kids downstairs are playing bad fish, and I’m crying like a 4 year old in the corner of the room.

Anyways, back to reubens. I made these reubans, and they turned out pretty good. I took the recipe from http://www.everydaydish.tv/index.php?page=recipe&recipe=98

I also added some instand tapioca, like i talked about in the message boards, and i couldnt tell any difference at all. The seitan turned out pretty good, but make sure you pan sear it in some soy sauce, the guy in the video clearly made a different recipe. It doesn’t turn out the way the asshole in the stupid hat shows it. None the less it’s pretty good. I used FYH mozzarella cheese, and vegan thousand island.

Red potato & Yukon Gold Hash Browns w/Spicy Roasted Garlic Ketchup

- Red & Yukon Gold Hash Browns w/Spicy Roasted Garlic Ketchup

- English Muffins w/Cumin Dill Sour Cream, Diced Olives and Sweet Peppers

- Pan Seared baby bananas w/Roasted Red Peppers & chives

Hash browns were invented by the ancient rednecks of Georgia in 1773.  They were at one point used during sex games, where the redneck would  place a batch of shredded potatoes on his womans stomach, believing that “her body was so smokin’ hot”, he could actually cook them on her.  Of course, this is just a legend.  Usually nothing would happen, and the two would just end up having sex in a pile of shredded potatoes, and onions.  However, stories like these that my parents told me growing up, always claimed a big piece of my heart.

I threw this together while in the grocery store.  The hash browns are just shredded red and yukon gold potatoes, as well as some cut onions.  Browned them on a skillet with some oil, salt and pepper and of course, smoked paprika.   Make sure and lay a few paper towels over the potatoes after you shred them, and get as much of the water out of them as you can.  The ketchup is put in a blender with sriracha, roasted garlic, some lime juice and s&p.

The English muffins were toasted and had some earth balance and roasted garlic (literally spread on there!).  The sauce was made with tofutti sour cream, cumin, dill, salt and peper, and a dash of sriracha sauce.  Mix it well and  lay it over the English muffin.  Green, kalamata olives and sweet red peppers were diced, and laid on top.

The baby bananas were pan seared in earth balance with salt and pepper.  Laid over them is roasted red peppers and sliced chives.

Dig in!  Like most meals that people suggest wines with, I suggest this to go with a warm     Heileman’s Old Style.

Curry Sweet Potato Fries w/ Spicy Mango Chutney Ranch

I’ve never made sweet potato fries, and I love curry. I had been reading that the sweet potato fries turned out mushy, so I decided to go with the baking at 450 degree method. I boiled the potatoes first, then cut them into fries. Toss them in curry and cornstarch, salt, sprinkle some smoked paprika, and throw them in the oven. Make sure to lay foil on the pan, and spray it good with some pam, or they will stick bad. I baked them for a while, and turned them about every 10 minutes. While they were baking, I put some earth balance in a pan, melted it down, and added some curry and lime juice. Let that cook on high for minute, then turn it off until the fries are done. For the sauce, I just mixed some vegan ranch with some mango chutney, lime juice and s&p. The fries turned out pretty crispy. I dipped one in the chutney ranch, smacked my girlfriends ass really hard while chewing, and said, oh shiiiit. The ranch really makes this one.

Seitan greasy highway burger….

For some reason no matter what, everytime I post something up that looks a lot like meat, I get a ton of emails and comments. They usualy go a little something like this. “Man, i couldnt eat that, that looks too real.” There seems to be a lot of people that are vegan, that really get what we call “annoying”. I get it, you’re so vegan, that not only did you make a personal decision to not eat meat, but you’ve also made a personal decision to be annoying. You know how I know that you made that personal decision? Because you have to tell me, and the world, that its too real for you to eat. Nobody goes on blogs and says things like, “sorry that corn on the cob looks way to much like a penis for me to eat.” You know why? Because really, who gives a shit. I’m actually not a huge fan of fake meats, being that I really actually crave vegetables most of the time, but from time to time, I think it’s great. Now if you don’t like the way they taste, thats one thing, but if you just wan’t to tell me how you can’t get past the fact that it looks like meat, (in sarah palin voice) theeeanks, but no theeanks. I used the PPK recipe for the seitan. But I changed up some very important steps. First I didn’t make the vital wheat gluten, i just went and bought it in a bag. Second, I didn’t boil it, i baked it in the broth. That’s a huge difference in texture change. The texture really amazing. Let it cook for an hour or so, at about 300 degrees. When you take it out, cut it into the size you want. Throw it in to a pan, and toss about 3 tbls of olive oil, and add some salt and pepper. The oil will give it a very greasy effect. Of course this isn’t the healthiest sandwich, but its really delicious. I put some vegan mayonnaise on the buns, lettuce, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and some s&p. Put whatever other disgusting things on it you like, I just cover the good stuff.

Fancy schmancy Vegan Macaroni and “Cheese”

I’ve always been very attracted to macaroni and cheese. It’s really fattening, and delicious. Macaroni and cheese has always been to me, like that gross girl you banged in college, and you never told your friends about. I know what you’re saying, “awwww, that poor macaroni and cheese! You’re such a typical male chauvinist faux pig! “. Okay, okay, maybe you’re right, but it’s a good analogy and you know it. Growing up, we added hotdogs, and maybe even sometimes, some salt and pepper. Being that I’m now awesome, I have decided to make my own, gourmet style.

I searched around the google for a very short time, and found 3 recipes that gave me a little vegan boner. First, I was on the “food porn” section of the Veggieboards forum. After having a few pretentious lol’s at what people considered “food porn” (i.e. microwavable amy’s vegetarian in a box meals((literally)), I found an awesome vegan macaroni and cheese dish. It’s a bit bland, but none the less, very delicious looking. I then dug deeper. Cause I’m an investigator.  I don’t just settle for the bullshit. I’m into it. Sorry, that came out wrong. I wanted something to show that I’m way more hip, and don’t need to live in Brooklyn to have a vegan blog. I next found a recipe for macaroni and cheese that had morels and lobster in it. Then I found one that put sweet potatoes in it. I nearly shit myself with  ideas. I replaced the lobster with sun dried tomatoes, and used soy creamer, instead of soy milk. Capers anyone? Hell yeah, I did. Sauteed the sun dried tomatoes and morels in some vegan butter with garlic, and caramelized the sweet potatoes into little squares. Baked it at 350 degrees for 15 minutes, and made out with my girlfriend for 9 minutes while waiting. This is the best macaroni and cheese you will ever have. “oh, i add tvp to my mac & cheeze”. Shut up pervert. Make this, and stop watching real chance at love.

“I can be your Gyro baby…..”

If you live in Louisville, and you spend time in the highlands, you know the amount of Mediterranean restaurants is borderline silly. Within a 5 mile radius, there is Pita Hut, Shiraz, Falafel House, Zaytun, Pita Delights, Omar’s Gyros, and Grape Leaf. There very well could be more, but these are all ones that i can walk to from Sarah’s house. When my dad was in town, we went to eat at Falafel House, its really cheap, and pretty good. Either way, everyone at the table got gyros, and they looked really delicious. Minus the whole meat thing, i love the idea of a gyro. Crispy lettuce, tomato’s, hummus, onions, cucumbers, pita bread, tzatziki sauce, and a little visit from my little friend seitan. I got together a couple of recipes from offline, combined them, and switched them up a bit.

Vegan Gyro :

The obvious things you need :

Boston red lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, onions and some pita bread.

Faux Lamb recipe (taken from vegsource.com)

4 cups vital wheat gluten flour
1/2 cup whitewheat flour (or regular whole wheat flour)
1/4 cup unbleached white flour
1/4 cup soy flour
1/2 cup Minute tapioca
1 Tbs nutritional yeast
2 tsps “chicken” bouillon powder
2 Tbs “beef” bouillon powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp dried parsley
3 & 1/4 cups cold water
1 Tbs low-sodium soy sauce

In a bowl, mix all dry ingredients.
In another bowl, mix water and soy sauce,
Add all at once to the dry ingredients.
Mix quickly, and knead for a few minutes.
Shape into two rolls.
Cook now, or wrap and freeze for later cooking,
or cook one now, and freeze the other for later cooking.

Cooking Broth

8 cups water
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce
1 tsp Kitchen Bouquet
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1 onion, peeled and sliced
2 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced
2 tsps “chicken” bouillon powder
2 Tbs “beef” bouillon powder
1 tsp rosemary
1 tsp dried parsley
1 tsp sugar

Into a large stewpot, put all cooking broth ingredients.
Bring to a boil, and cook 5 minutes, stirring often.
Add 1 seitan roll, and bring to boil again.
IMMEDIATELY turn heat to medium-low.
Partially-cover, and simmer for 1 – 2 hours.
Do not let broth boil again, or seitan will be tough or doughy.
Remove “pot roast” from broth.
Slice “pot roast”.
Saute` in oil or margarine until browned, and serve.
Store any unfried or leftover fried “roast” in the cooking broth, in fridge.
Use cooking broth for making sauces and gravies.

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We didn’t use the fake chicken broth, being that we didn’t have any, but we did come across some really good fake beef broth. We used that, vegetable broth, and mushroom broth. Also i strongly recommend that “kitchen bouquet” stuff. It’s vegan, and it actually made a big difference in the final result of the seitan.

After the seitan’s done, slice it thin, and fry it in some oil and add some Cavender’s greek seasoning if you can find it. Don’t be startled by the creepy

chef on the front. As alarming as his child abducting mustache is, and the size of what appears to be something only served in Bedrock, its actually very tasty. It’s really salty, so just put a small amount on, and add more if you want more.

The picture was taken on a plate that looked like it was descending from heaven, so i thought it only be right to take it in photoshop and add a little blur around the plate.

I got the Tzatziki recipe from tofu-and-sprouts blog, which turned out awesome, i may have eaten it with a spoon. We didnt use tofu, or tofutti sour cream, we just used 1 cup of vegan fat free mayonnaise. We also had no mint, so we just didnt use it. Although i think it would have worked really well with it. Oh and also Maui onions were $8 for 3, so we threw them at the guy that worked in produce and yelled “oh bullshit!”. We just ended up using a yellow onion.

Has anyone ever eaten at a restaurant and had hummus that was really creamy, like peanut butter texture? I’ve been looking for a recipe for this for some time, and actually just stumbled onto it, on accident. A recipe I used a while ago, called for garbonzo bean flour, and there was a recipe on the back for hummus. The flour is really cheap, and it goes a really long way.

Creamy Hummus :

1 cup garbanzo flour

1 1/2 cup water, cold

4 tablespoon lemon juice

4 tablespoon sesame tahini

3/4 teaspoon sea salt, optional

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder, or 1 garlic clove, pressed

2 tablespoon olive oil

In a saucepan stir garbanzo flour into the cold water until smooth. Heat mixture until bubbly, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Add lemon juice, tahini, garlic and salt if used. Mix well; cool. If mixture appears to be too thick, add more water before serving. Pour oil over hummus, or stir into the mixture.

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Take the flat bread, and put it in the oven to broil for a few minutes, until it gets warm, and fluffy (that sounds really dirty). Spread the hummus over the bread thinly, and lay the seitan down on half of the bread, and the lettuce, tomatos, some chopped cucumber and onions, and Tzatziki sauce on the other half. Push it together, shove it in your face, and with a mouth full sing at the top of your lungs, “I can be your gyro baby, i can kiss away the pain!”. Wipe your face with your sleeve, and stare at the closest person to you. Walk backwards out of the room, and don’t take your eyes off of them.

Beefy Quezo!!

Its fall time, and cookouts are about to be over. Im sure the winter will be a lot of fun without cornhole, and pogs. However if you find yourself going to a boring “indoor cookout” this winter, your going to want to have something tasty and hot to bring over. I found this Queso on Vegan explosion, while browsing around google really drunk and hungry. It takes about 15 minutes to make, and is really tasty. My brother and i had an idea to make this a little more interesting, and added some baaaaa ziiiiing!

keep in mind, if your going to a big cook out or something, i would make up a super Tripple Batch!!

2/3 Cup Nutritional Yeast Flakes
1/2 Cup Flour
1/2 teaspoon Paprika
2 teaspoon Salt
2 teaspoon Ground Cumin
Dash Garlic Powder
Dash Chili Powder
2 Cup Water
4 Tablespoons Vegan Margarine
2 10-ounce Can RoTel (drained)
4 teaspoons prepared Yellow Mustard
DIRECTIONS

Combine all dry ingredients (everything from nooch to chili powder) in a pan
Add water to pan, turn on medium heat
Stir constantly and once thickened, remove from heat.
Add in margarine, rotel and mustard. Stir until margarine is melted.
Once margarine has melted, put the pan back on the heat and stir until a bit thicker.
Serve over chips, enchiladas or in a quesadilla with seitan and veggies.

Next :

What i added :

1 Package of Morning star
1/2 a white onion (diced up)
2 tablespoons of minced garlic
1 pkt. Taco seasoning

In a separate pan, toss in the onions and garlic with some olive oil, and cook for about 5 or 6 minutes on medium heat, or until the onions are translucent. Next add the morning star beef, and let that cook until its crispy. Last empty the whole taco seasoning packet and stir until ready, then combine the beefy pan to the queso, and stir.