How can I love you, if you wont lie down?

Boy oh boy, having a real job really makes life dull.  Although my job is probably the only one that exists in the nine to five world that I could ever imagine going to bed at midnight for.  Everythings felt very scattered and fast for the past month, and I’m just now starting to feel like myself again.  Well not the old self that could stay up drinking until 5am, and get on the post punk kitchen to post drunk naked pictures of myself, but familiar none the less.  We haven’t really made anything that amazing, but Sarah made these incredible cupcakes.  This was her first successful vegan baking, and it turned a lot of heads at the party.

Here’s our three legged dog tofu,  playing xbox while were cooking.

This is a dinner we made one night that was simple but good.  Fake bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, smoked tofu (not the dog), and veganaise.

This is a lil thing i threw together that involves filo, vegan cream cheese, a basil leaf (next time ill use a spinach leaf), smoked tofu, and sriracha.

and last, we had a bunch of people over the other night and made a ton of vegan sliders.  The recipe for the burger is from Vegan dad.  Everyone ate the shit out of these.

Stay tuned, I’ve got some contests coming up where you guys can win things!  I plan on starting a weekly thing starting in march, where I will be giving away very cool stuff for free!

Fooogeettaabboouttiitt! Italian night! *Day 6*

The power is still out all over Louisville, and we’ve still got guest lurching around the house.  Spaghetti is probably one of the best things to make for a bunch of people.  I’ve always had a hang up with people that live in America and pull the Italian card.  You know the type.  Their parent, or Grand parents, are Italian descendants, so instantly they’re more proud to be Italian, than Italians.  They are impossible to cook for, and always more annoying than Ryan Adams fans.  You’re as Italian, as I am Indian.  Please stop.  We all know that DNA and genes don’t pass down taste buds, stop pretending like they do.

Total cost about $13

I stopped by Amazing Grace, and got some polenta and tvp.  The tvp was a beef flavored one, that I haven’t tried yet.  We hydrated it, seared it in some olive oil with some onions, roasted garlic  and poured  basil garlic tomato sauce into it.  The polenta was sliced into 1/4 inch slices and pan seared in some canola oil.  After a little crispy, i seasoned it with garlic powder, salt, crushed red peppers, and smoked paprika.  Again, I suggest a Heileman’s Old Style with this dish.

Tempurpedic Food *Day 5*

I have this funny story, but it’s not funny at all, and not very believable.  It really happened though.  It’s really a little what I like to call, veggie humor.  I went to this little vegan/organic grocery called amazing grace here in Louisville, which is a place we frequently visit.  They’ve always had this section with vegan food, that’s a little bland, and basic.  I don’t mean to belittle it, but its just really basic vegan blt’s, vegan chicken sandwiches, etc.  Good food, but nothing that really gave me a boner.  I went in there one day and they had gotten a new cook that was handling the dinners to go section, and wow things had changed.  There was a lot of very creative things in the case.  One of the things was country fried seitan.  I bought it, cause it looked awesome, and took it home.  While I was heating it up in the microwave I was talking to Sarah on the phone (most likely an argument about reality television).  During the phone call, I took the stuff out of the microwave, took a bite of the country fried seitan, and spit it into the garbage going *baaauu, ptttuee, baauuu, pffftthhh!!  Not because it tasted bad, but I really thought I had just bitten into meat.  I got off the phone in a flurry, and called amazing grace.  I was 110% sure that they had screwed up, but after yelling at the lady on the other side of the phone, and making her cry, she swore to me that it was vegan.  I told her to fuck herself, and hung up.  Then I took another bite.  After examining it very closely, I determined it was not meat.  This stuff was incredible, I bought it about 12 more times, before the cook quit, and moved to a restaurant down the street.  I tried to make it a few time, and it just never turned out right.  Tonight, I decided to give it another go.  Let me first start by saying, day 5 has turned out to be the best night so far, by very far.  I made this for a bunch of people tonight, and everyone was was very complimentary of it.  When you cook for people a lot, you start to get a gauge of when they don’t like it (but are saying they do),  like it, really like it, and really really like it.  This one they really really liked.  I cannot explain how incredible this turned out. I don’t mean to over sell this recipe, but you will never eat anything better, so just stop trying.

Total cost about $14

Seitan Steaks

makes 4 chunky filets or 6 thinner cutlets
DO NOT BOIL, IT WILL MAKE THEM RUBBERY, SIMMMMMER!!!
1 1/3 cups vital wheat gluten
2 Tbsp tapioca flour
1 Tbsp nutritional yeast
1 Tbsp garbanzo flour
1 tsp dried porcini mushroom powder** (yeah, nice and earthy!)

2 Tbsp tamari
2 Tbsp soymilk
1/2 Tbsp marmite
1 Tbsp olive oil
1 Tbsp ketchup
2 Tbsp red wine
1/2 to 3/4 cup broth* (cold)
1 Tbsp oil for panfrying

6 – 8 cups simmering broth (cold)

Mix the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a measuring cup in the order listed. After adding the red wine, *add only enough broth to bring the liquids up to 1 cup. Reserve the oil for panfrying.

Add the wet ingredients to the dry and knead for 5 minutes. Shape into a log, then cut into 4 or 6 pieces, as desired. Flatten them into cutlets. Panfry on each side until golden.

Simmer in the simmering broth for 1 hour 15 minutes. Let cool in broth and use as desired.

For Breading:

1 cup bread crumbs
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
pinch of salt
dash of pepper

½ cup plain soymilk (do not use low fat version)

1 cup unbleached flour

Directions:

Heat oil to 375 deg F. Use a thermometer!

Put bread crumbs, herbs, salt and pepper in one bowl, soymilk in a second bowl, and flour in a third bowl. This is your 3-step process for breading the steaks. Take each steak, and press it into the FLOUR FIRST, both sides. Make sure to really coat them. Then, quickly dip into the SOYMILK SECOND, and then finally press into the BREAD CRUMBS THIRD.

Now transfer to the frying pan heated to 375 F. Use a good pair of tongs to make it easy. Do this for each seitan steak, until golden brown as desired on each side. Then transfer to a plate lined with a paper towel to soak up the oil.

I took a recipe for seitan from Vegan Appetite, and a recipe for the batter from Bengarland.  The mashed potatoes were Yukon gold w/dill, mayonnaise <—-surprisingly amazing, garlic powder, earth balance, soy milk, salt and pepper.  The corn just had earth balance, with salt and pepper.  Make sure and follow the instructions on cooking the seitan, it turns out a really great texture.  The gravy my brother had to help me out on, because I’ve never made a successfully gravy. Basically was just some earth balance, sage, not beef cubes broth, water and flower.  Seriously check this out.

Black Bean & Garlic Stir Fry w/ Edamame Dip *Day 4*

Total cost about $15

Yo yo, it’s day 4, get your ass on the floor, and…..dry hump…the girl next to you…Sorry, my freestyles these days are a bit exhausted.  Were completely snowed in, power is out in 200,000 houses, we’ve got guests sleeping over, and thank Jesus we still have power.  We decided to make stir-fry tonight, with some mock duck I got for Christmas from my mom.  We laid out a bunch of vegetables, and sauces, noodles, and rice.  Sarah took everyone’s orders like we were in a restaurant.  It was quite endearing.  (quick side note, today’s picture for the vegan amateur porn is the best one I’ve found.  Check out the dudes faces, they look like they all work the prize counter at a 1986 roller rink.)  All together we had :

• tomatoes
• chives
• red onions
• shitake, portabella, cremini mushroom
• red and green peppers
• green & yellow beans
• broccoli
• garlic
• ginger
• black bean sauce
• chili garlic sauce
• soy sauce
• mock duck & tofu marinated in soy sauce/alegro/ginger/Cayenne pepper/and some water
• sesame and canola oil

Everything was tossed in a Wok, and cooked together with sesame and canola oil.  I used extra black bean sauce, and boiled the mock duck first to get the canned taste out of it.  The tofu and mock duck was pan seared first.  This stir-fry was so good, I wouldn’t even wear a condom with it.  The entire apartment was filled with an amazing smell, and life tonight was good.

The edamame dip was very much like hummus.  I took the recipe from food networks website. We then dipped carrots in it all night, singing “Kentucky rose” by Michael W. Smith.

Total cost about $5

• 12 ounces shelled, cooked, and cooled edamame, about 2 cups, recipe follows
• 1/4 cup diced onion
• 1/2 cup tightly packed fresh cilantro or parsley leaves
• 1 large garlic clove, sliced
• 1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime or lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon brown miso
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon red chili paste
• 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 5 tablespoons olive oil

Place everything in your food processor, and blend until smooth.  Garnish with smoked paprika and cilantro.

Smokey Chili *Day 3*

It’s day three, and being really broke never tasted so good.  It’s snowing outside, 18 degrees, and my girlfriend had “roomie” night tonight.  Which basically means I have to go away for a few hours to hang out with my male friends, and let them get wasted on wine.  Tonight was chili night, so it worked out well for everyone.  I’ve made 26 chili’s in the past year, and they’ve all just been O.K.  Nothing really grabbed me.  In fact I came in last place at a chili cook off for a friend of mine’s birthday.  This chili, is in fact, the one.  My dad always had a delicious chili growing up, and I’m now proud to say I have my own chili.  All of my previous recipes have come from recipes, so I decided to go rogue with this one, and just do my thing.  It’s a little smokey, delicious, and of course cheap.

Total cost about $11

• 2 can black or pinto beans, drained
• 2 can kidney beans, drained
• 2 can diced tomatoes
• 1 onion, diced
• 6 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 green peppers
• 1 small can of tomato paste
• 4 tbls of nutritional yeast
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• 1 cup tbsp vegetable broth
• 1/2 cup of hickory allegro (my favorite marinade, basically soy and liquid smoke + some other shit)
• 4 tbsp chili powder
• 2 tbls oregano
• 4 tbls curry
• 1 tbls turmeric
• 4 tbls curry
• 2 tbls smoked paprika
• 1 tbls salt
• 2 tbls ancho chili powder
• 2 tbls mexican chili powder
• 1 tbls red pepper flakes (optional)
• 2 cups of hydrated  TVP
• 2 cups of water
• 1 glass with 2 dudes wrestling on it

Cook the onions, green peppers and garlic first in the olive oil until transparent.  Slowly add the beans.  Let it simmer for a few minutes, and add all of the spices.  Go ahead and pull out your glass with two dudes wrestling on it, and serve hot.

Yes We (mexi)Can! *Day 2*

Total cost about $10

Day two of F.A.F.P.F., and things are getting really crazy around here.  We’re trying to cover a lot of bases,while being extremely generic, and of course, cheap.  When I used to live in Hawaii, a friend of my brothers named Phillip would come over to eat sometimes.  He was pretty much the most annoying kid ever made, but made a nice punching bag for a bunch of 9 year olds.  He was extremely white, had these huge thick glasses, and olive oil hair.  One night when he was coming over he was telling us which Mexican food he liked.  He was attempting to talk in his most authentic Mexican accent.  Saying things like, “i love tooohstaadas, and enchillaaaadas, and taaccoos (pronounced ta-hoes).  From that point on, every time we ate Mexican (he pronounced it meh-hee-can), it was right to the Phillip impersonations, and I’m proud to say I still do.  Nothing like a little laugh at someone else’s expense.

The rice was made from 1 1/2 cups of white rice, chopped roma tomatoes, chopped bell peppers, garlic, cumin, ancho chili powder, chipotle sauce, tomato sauce, and salt to taste.  The tostadas had re-fried beans at the bottom, FYH cheese, tvp (seasoned meh-hee-can style), lettuce, and tomatoes.  They were fried on a stove top skillet, in some olive oil.  On top was chipotle a sour cream, (vegan sour cream, chipotle sauce, drop of alegro, garlic powder, salt, ancho chili powder, nutritional yeast, and lime juice) and some salsa.  Also on the side is just some re-fried beans with lettuce and tomatoes.

Vegan slumgolian! *Day 1*

Welcome to day 1 of  the 22 day filth amateur, food porn fest!  This is a recipe from my mom, that we had growing up a lot.  It’s easily veganised, and like a funner ( I love that word) version of sloppy joe’s.  Thank god for the filthy amateur food porn fest, I would never be able to post this.

Total cost about $6

• 1 Pkg of tempeh
• 1 can of vegetarian beans
• 1 large family size can of tomato soup
• 1 onion
• 3 tbls of curry
• 4 cloves of garlic
• 1 tbls ancho chili powder, tumeric
• 1 tsp of smoked paprika (optional)

First boil a package of tempeh first for 10 minutes.  while waiting,  put some diced onions in a pan until they get translucent.  Let the onions cook for a few minutes, and add the garlic (minced).  When the tempehs done, crumble it and throw it in to cook with the onions.  Let the tempeh crisp up a little bit.  There’s usually a lot of water in it, so it might take a while.  Add all of the spices except the curry, and stir.  Let that cook for a few minutes and add the soup, and beans.  The can of beans just says vegetarian beans in tomato sauce.  The can in my grocery was right next to the pork and beans.  Add the curry and stir really well.  Garnish with parsley and nutritional yeast.  I served it over wheat buns, but I’ve heard of people using macaroni, or rice.  This makes a lot, thanks ma!

Louisville Vegan Reubens & Sublime

Reubens have always been something that you either love or hate. For example. The people that live in the building underneath my girlfriends house can eat all of the dicks. I was reading an article on cracked.com that my friend Matt pointed out to me, and it made a lot of sense. There are certain people that can eat a ton of dicks. I agree that there are in fact people that you come across in your life, that can eat All of the dicks. For one second let me tell you about these people. They’re about 22 or so, and I totally get it. I’m 26, and 22 was not long ago. Parties are fun, and i still get down very hard. I like beer. I like loud music. There is a big difference between drinking some beer, and listening to some music, and drinking some beer at 22, and listening to some music at 22. First the beer is just drank to get to get as annoying as possible. The music they’re listening to is, as annoying as possible. It’s not like they’re listening to listenable music. They’re listening to sounds that are just bass. Tons of bass, with nothing else. It’s probably a friend of theirs that makes music on cakewalk and closes their eyes, nodding their heads. These people can eat All of the dicks.  I want to record the sounds coming from the ground below, its really incredible. Like right now they’re playing sublime. As if I didn’t hate sublime enough, these fucking shit heads downstairs have to be listening to this shit. So while I’m upstairs trying to do my thing, they’re down there screaming and singing along to the most overplayed band EVER. Don’t tell me you like sublime, cause I know, and I don’t fucking care.

The kids downstairs are playing bad fish, and I’m crying like a 4 year old in the corner of the room.

Anyways, back to reubens. I made these reubans, and they turned out pretty good. I took the recipe from http://www.everydaydish.tv/index.php?page=recipe&recipe=98

I also added some instand tapioca, like i talked about in the message boards, and i couldnt tell any difference at all. The seitan turned out pretty good, but make sure you pan sear it in some soy sauce, the guy in the video clearly made a different recipe. It doesn’t turn out the way the asshole in the stupid hat shows it. None the less it’s pretty good. I used FYH mozzarella cheese, and vegan thousand island.

Red potato & Yukon Gold Hash Browns w/Spicy Roasted Garlic Ketchup

- Red & Yukon Gold Hash Browns w/Spicy Roasted Garlic Ketchup

- English Muffins w/Cumin Dill Sour Cream, Diced Olives and Sweet Peppers

- Pan Seared baby bananas w/Roasted Red Peppers & chives

Hash browns were invented by the ancient rednecks of Georgia in 1773.  They were at one point used during sex games, where the redneck would  place a batch of shredded potatoes on his womans stomach, believing that “her body was so smokin’ hot”, he could actually cook them on her.  Of course, this is just a legend.  Usually nothing would happen, and the two would just end up having sex in a pile of shredded potatoes, and onions.  However, stories like these that my parents told me growing up, always claimed a big piece of my heart.

I threw this together while in the grocery store.  The hash browns are just shredded red and yukon gold potatoes, as well as some cut onions.  Browned them on a skillet with some oil, salt and pepper and of course, smoked paprika.   Make sure and lay a few paper towels over the potatoes after you shred them, and get as much of the water out of them as you can.  The ketchup is put in a blender with sriracha, roasted garlic, some lime juice and s&p.

The English muffins were toasted and had some earth balance and roasted garlic (literally spread on there!).  The sauce was made with tofutti sour cream, cumin, dill, salt and peper, and a dash of sriracha sauce.  Mix it well and  lay it over the English muffin.  Green, kalamata olives and sweet red peppers were diced, and laid on top.

The baby bananas were pan seared in earth balance with salt and pepper.  Laid over them is roasted red peppers and sliced chives.

Dig in!  Like most meals that people suggest wines with, I suggest this to go with a warm     Heileman’s Old Style.

Curry Sweet Potato Fries w/ Spicy Mango Chutney Ranch

I’ve never made sweet potato fries, and I love curry. I had been reading that the sweet potato fries turned out mushy, so I decided to go with the baking at 450 degree method. I boiled the potatoes first, then cut them into fries. Toss them in curry and cornstarch, salt, sprinkle some smoked paprika, and throw them in the oven. Make sure to lay foil on the pan, and spray it good with some pam, or they will stick bad. I baked them for a while, and turned them about every 10 minutes. While they were baking, I put some earth balance in a pan, melted it down, and added some curry and lime juice. Let that cook on high for minute, then turn it off until the fries are done. For the sauce, I just mixed some vegan ranch with some mango chutney, lime juice and s&p. The fries turned out pretty crispy. I dipped one in the chutney ranch, smacked my girlfriends ass really hard while chewing, and said, oh shiiiit. The ranch really makes this one.